I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
