drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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