I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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