there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
