I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
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