So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
