Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
and she was petting her beer can
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
