is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
