where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
