Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
