I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
