i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
