I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
