My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
