paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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