i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
