Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
