saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
