isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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