sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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