I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
