just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
