Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
