I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We got so high we made milksteak
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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