I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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