Pregnant stripper...not hot.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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