I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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