Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
