how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
