Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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