It was confusing and full of hummus
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
