the condom got lost in my hair
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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