Kiss
Puke
I think I won the penis lottery.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
