like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
