this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
