there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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