I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
