Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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