You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
