Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
