What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
