I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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