If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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