I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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