Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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