i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
