I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
