then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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