There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
