ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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