I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
