I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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