he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
