dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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