I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
