I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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