that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
