She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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