i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
