Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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