someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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