Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
