I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize