Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
