Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
