I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
