cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just threw up on my dentist
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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